My problem is that I never figured out what exactly I wanted to do with my life. I have always been torn between science, of various forms, athletics, and, music. However, playing guitar has landed me several coups. Firstly Hubbie was initially my "groupie" (met him while performing at CBGBs). Secondly, prior out meeting, I had always been jealous of most of my friends who could afford to travel to Europe, either after high school, or college. My mother, raising me alone, could not do this financially. Playing music festivals enabled me to finally see Europe, and, (this is the awesome part) be paid to do so. Well - that confessed, now here I am, still pursuing many different fields, still conflicted about my prime objective (as in Star Trek). This conflict is calmed somewhat since I am now the Mom of a 6.5 year old. Yesterday was her first day of First Grade. She seems to really like her teacher. I am so relieved about that, do you know what I mean? Yesterday morning was a bit of that head under the covers, first-day nerves. We hate to say goodbye to those summer swimming days.

Anyway - back to the topic at hand - which seems to be the influence of motherhood upon my life. Well, it is really great, although I must admit I am not the best mother I know. I lose patience and get quite angry sometimes. Back to topic matter.... I am now exempt from any band that has a touring element to their curriculum. This being that it would be quite difficult for me as a sideman type player to go on the road. Simple little 'tourlets' for a weekend give me so much pleasure. Going on the road for a year would be - well - impossible. And so, I am relegated to shows and gigs that have not (yet??) made it out of NYC.

Here is the funny thing. Before I was a Mommy, I always was nervous about my musical status. How fast could I play? What auditions did I get offered? What auditions did I make? How could I fudge my lack of reading? How much was I paid? In the end I was always depressed and dissatisfied There were so many who played faster, made more money, read more quickly, got called more often etc. After Serena (my kid), I was forced to play meager gigs, struggle to even get a position. And now, I am more pleased with, well, the simple act of actually making music. Rehearsals (a drag to many) are a special time for alone-time for Mommy. Gigs, another selfish treat. I am never depressed to play music. It is a special diversion, kind of sinful, like a pedicure or massage.

When Serena was a baby, she was quite intense, a beautiful spirit. She never slept. She had colic. She wept for at least a half hour when awakening from naps. I would sing to her with my guitar late at night (her "active hours" often included 1:00 - 4:00 AM). I would sing the song "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You." Most often, I sang the Joan Baez version. Sometimes, I would go for the Led Zep rendition. I feel badly about singing this. Truthfully, it was all a lie. I would never leave her. Maybe of I got paid to get a tutor for the road - we would just leave, and travel, learning, listening, having fun. I want to go to Thailand with Serena this Winter.