Goddess, I am tired inside my head. Give me some ideas of what to do to let the willies fade away.

I drove my brother to the airport and kicked him out the door at departures. He's gone. His visit just confirmed what happened in November -- I can't have guests for more than five days. My guess is, doing it over the holiday aggravated things a bit. Anyway, no more long visits. I was stuck for this one, even though I knew it was a bad idea, because of the way it was presented to me, but next time I'm going to stand up on my hind legs and refuse. I have the shakes, I'm so tired in my head.

I have a chiropractor's visit later. He's a naprapath, so instead of a lot of cracking there's a lot of muscle manipulation, almost like a massage. It should be nice, and maybe relieve some stress. I wouldn't mind a nice, long massage today. Or a chance to sit in a hot tub while someone reads out loud to me. Being read out loud to makes me relax. It's less trouble than trying to hold a book out of the water, but still takes me out of myself. Hmm. We have to go to the library later to pick up a volunteer drop-off; maybe I'll pick up a book on tape and have a lavender bath.

We have the incredibly Leaning Tower of Christmas Tree this year. It's sort of ironic. The trunk is as straight as an arrow, but there is a funky little twist right at the bottom that meant we couldnt' get a straight cut across. So try as we may, we couldn't get it to stand upright. There is a *serious* list. B says it's just sort of the way this Christmas has been. A little crazier than usual.

I hope my mother doesn't get the idea that because I invited my brother for Christmas, I'm going to start inviting family regularly.

I think she's decided to be a little pissy that we've always had a very quiet, family-free Christmas, but she said years ago that she doesn't expect us to feel obligated to do Christmas at her house, and for years she had so many guests for Christmas that there was no point in inviting her to ours. She and Dad just came up for a day a little while after Christmas, and everybody was happy.

I guess that, now that we're out of state, she wishes she could be around to watch the grandchildren open presents. I can understand that, but frankly, this Christmas was not an encouragement. The holiday is stressful -- we do a really mellow Christmas, but it means a change in my routine, and that's hard for me -- and having a guest is stressful, and the combination is awfully tough on me. I refuse to ruin Christmas because my mother has suddenly decided to be passive-aggressive about it.

I've been promising myself that I will not, will not give in to the urge to have a nap today. But I just about took my head off just now with the biggest yawn north of Texas. I can't nap yet -- chiropractor and library errand, keep them in mind, Zanne -- and by the time we get back, it may be too late. But I don't know what kind of shape I'll be in by tonight.

It's finally 2 am. I slept fitfully, kept getting woken up by the neighbors' loud conversation (I'm assuming he was in the kitchen and she was in the other room because they seemed to be shouting across the space--not angrily, just the way that you need to project your voice across a distance) and at some point, one neighbor was banging on another's door and all the sounds of the house being superloud tonight, maybe because it was a holiday night.

2 am seemed to come after I finally drifted off to sleep. I remember waking up and looking at the clock (I also kept waking up to check the time, wanting to make sure that I didn't oversleep) and it was 1:28. I thought that maybe I really should get up because, chances were, I'd finally fall into a deep sleep and then be groggy when the alarm clock went off. I ignored my own advice and snuggled back under the covers. The shriek of the alarm startled me half an hour later and I reluctantly woke up.

So am brewing another cup of coffee so that I can make it through the lines and check-in and security at the airport without having to pay way too much money for Starbucks (and have to wait on line for it...do they really only buy from small coffeegrowers in Mexico AND pay them decently for it? That's what someone recently told me; but their coffee is still too bitter and, to me, tastes like mud. Or do they simply buy *some* of their coffee fair trade and, because they buy and sell so much coffee, can tout 18 million pounds of fair trade coffee while buying and selling so much more unfair trade coffee?). At any rate, there is always a line at the Starbucks stall in the airport and I would rather just skip it.

Plus, I don't need to leave the house for half an hour and that still gets me to the airport (and the check-in and the line and the wait) 3 hours before my flight is supposed to leave.

My kitchen table is still a mess. I should pack the laptop up and put it away,not have it out on the table the entire 10 days I'm gone in case someone does decide to break in (or be a jerk and break my door down). I should have done it a while ago; maybe it would have been more impetus for me to clear the mess on the table. Oh well...I am starting to acknowledge that I have become an internet junkie. What will I do without 4 days (at the very least) of no Internet access?

Sometimes paper is the only thing that will listen to you.

(I am editing this to add that, because I have half an hour to kill and no one is awake to talk with me, I looked up Starbucks + fair trade and saw that only 6% of their coffee is fair trade. It only has one fair trade blend, Cafe Estima, of its however many brands it sells. This has been your public service announcement for the holiday. I think my New Year's resolution will be to only buy (bags of) free trade coffee for my household. (How I would implement that when getting my daily caffeine fix outside on the go is beyond my 2 am thinking capabilities. Maybe I'll have that a-ha moment at the George Bush International Airport)

I'm waiting for B to call to let me know that he and Little Brother are on the way home from the movie theater. I have to tell him to go to the grocery store to pick up some meat we ordered. We're screwed if it's too late -- the stuff has to start soaking tonight.

It will not, however, come anywhere close to ruining our holiday if we've missed it. Food is fun and a comfort and a joy, but it isn't at the center. What is at the center is unshakeable.

I'm impatient for Christmas Eve. For one thing, any extra prep will be done by Christmas Eve. For another ... I'm just eager to get started. Other than buying and wrapping gifts, and baking, we don't do anything for the holidays until Christmas Eve. This year, I've been anticipating, albeit in a low-key way. I want my Caesar salad.

Little Brother's visit has been very peaceful up until now. We actually talked politics this afternoon, usually a minefield subject. He tends to be, not so much specifically conservative as enamored of using force. He spent time in Iraq as a contractor, so he has chapter and verse on how badly the war is being run, but he's a bit more iffy on whether we should be in there at all. Of course, I'm willing to discuss it like a human being, unlike our mother, who gets very angry, or our father, who rarely discusses it at all.

It was an interesting conversation.

I did kind of come to my end when we got home, but it was only about ten minutes before he and B left to go see a movie with F. They're going to see National Treasure. No, dear, I don't want to go with you. I didn't like what little I saw of the first one; I don't feel like spending seven bucks and my afternoon being unenamored of the second.

Oh, shit -- what am I thinking? I should be wrapping B's Christmas gifts. I only have one that needs to be wrapped. One to wrap, one that goes, somewhat unconventionally, in his stocking, and markers and a baby elephant for the office. He tends to go hog-wild getting gifts for me, and sometimes I feel guilty that he rarely gets more than one thing from me, but truthfully, I'm not comfortable spending the money. Heck, I just plain don't have it. Credit cards are for emergencies, and he has more disposable income than I do.

Yeah, I feel guilty anyway. But I'm not going to let it spoil anything.

My head is in the holiday right now.

I baked challah today. I wanted to try making it part white, part whole wheat. I think the proportion of flours was fine, but I tend to forget that challah doesn't need to rise as long as ordinary dough, so it over-rose and flopped. Plus, the whole wheat makes it darker and not as striking as when it's all white. But the kids are devouring it, so it's not a failure.

What I really want to make is sweet rolls, and more than that, I want to take the sweet roll dough and make sticky buns. But that means high-sugar dough, much more than challah, and I probably shouldn't eat it even if I make it whole wheat. I sure can't eat sticky buns in any incarnation. So no sweet rolls. *sigh*

Spaghetti for dinner. Easy. Prepared sauce (sorry, Pop-pop, I know you're rolling over in your grave). Whole wheat noodles, and I hope P's buddy M doesn't mind. We do have lots of parmesan cheese. Challah bread. Big salad. Easy. And it isn't rice. Rice is fine, especially since I've been eating brown rice for years anyway, but we've had it a lot lately, and I'm ready for a break.

Tomorrow, we bake the ham and cook sweet potatoes with it. It's almost the last of last year's pig, and it should be excellent. I thought briefly about having it for Thanksgiving, and then thought twice; B's parents and sister were coming out. None of them are remotely observant, and I know that all of them eat pork perfectly happily, but I figured I'd rather go with turkey and let them put pork on their own tables. That way, there's no question of whether I'm being disrespectful. I doubt they'd care, but still. And this way, we have leftovers to eat around the holiday. There will, trust me, be no leftovers from the Christmas Eve meal, and we don't cook on Christmas Day.

Well my boobs may look a little like swiss cheese right now, but at least I am cancer free. Yes! The doctor who did the biopsies called me last night to tell me that all of my various lumps and bumps are benign.
I am very grateful. And relieved.

Okay. I will make it official. I want whatever is in charge of handing out the bad luck to leave my friends alone. From an "on-top-of-everything-else" broken refrigerator to having someone prank call DCFS on them, from all the people in seasonal depression as they come up on the holidays to the ones panicking about falling down and hurting themselves yet again because of undiagnosed neurological problems, I want you to BACK. OFF. Cut them a break, already. Enough. C'mon, you need a holiday, too, so why don't you go take a nice vacation someplace warm? I hear that Venus is nice at this time of year.

Frankly, it's enough to make me wonder where I picked up the luck to be heading into the holiday season basically unscathed.

It also makes me tremendously grateful. I won't be holding on to my temper by a thread because I'm manic. I won't be having all the pleasure of the tree ruined by the river of emptiness that runs under everything I feel when I'm depressed. I won't surf the gravel tidal wave this year (it's not fun, even though it sounds as though it should be). I'm blessedly, blessedly free.

I find I notice things a lot now that I'm not sedated out of my mind by the meds. F is a very snuggly child, and it's just a pure pleasure when she comes up and asks for "a hug, a kiss, and a guinea pig kiss!" P has lately decided that the best way to get hugs is to ask Mama instead of assaulting his sisters. V comes up and puts her arm around my waist and measures her height against me. She used to fit perfectly under my chin; now she comes up to my nose.

I relax into the pleasure of this every single time.

I'm more able to handle complex jobs, finally! so I'm more able to appreciate them when they're done. Ironically, the dishwasher made more mental work for me than just having the kids wash the dishes did, at first. They needed much closer supervision, until they got into the swing of it. They still need me to keep a close eye on them, but I now understand *how* to do it, and it's mighty satisfying to check out a clean kitchen and dining room when they're done.

Finances are still hard. I need to keep slightly closer track, and plan my purchases a little better beforehand, but I'm still learning how to do it, so I avoid. Then I have a big stack of slips to deal with. The only saving grace is that because I keep some of the family savings in the checking account so that we can get at it easily, I don't bounce anything. And every paycheck works out in the end. It's just a little nervewracking about every other week. If I kept closer track ... Maybe I need to look back on my purchases for the last two weeks every time a paycheck comes in. Besides, it's not good to be sloppy-minded about finances; that way lies disaster.

If I can get through the holidays everything should be fine, if I will just be disciplined. Since the gift buying is all done, and B works any food into his budget, I should be okay.

The whole thing is frankly embarrassing. I'm an adult; I know better.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and could not get back to sleep. I am super aware now of the least bit of soreness or any feeling at all really in my boobs. They seem strangely alien to me now- these two glandular creatures attached to the front of my body that act of their own free will. I imagine that they have faces and little antennae and make "meep, meep, gurgle gurgle" noises to each other. Each strange ache or sore spot some kind of cellular attack upon me.
I am really, really good at being really, really paranoid. It will probably be nothing and of course I will have stressed myself out completely for no good reason. Odds are on my side. But still, it's hard to forget about it.
It was disappointing to have bad weather yesterday. I was looking forward to the meteor shower. I wanted H to be able to see them. We have what I think is a real meteorite sitting on the shelf in front of me. We found it in the stream up at our cabin last summer. There is another bigger one still in the streambed that I haven't hauled out yet. I need to take the small one into a museum and have a scientist look at it. It sure looks like the ones they have in the Museum of Natural History. It could just be some kind of volcanic rock but it makes me happy to imagine that it is from some far distant part of outer space.
Where they have strange creatures with antennae on them that say "meep meep..."

No clear skies, sick me. No Geminids.

Make a note on the 2008 calendar to look up their date for next year.

I'm crabby. Just getting over an unpleasant stomach virus. Totally killed my skating lesson this morning. I tried, but I was limp. Better luck next week, Zanne.

I need to think very hard about anything but Christmas. If I think about Christmas in the state I'm in, I'll spiral. No spiral, no spiral, no spiral.

What I do need to think about is what I'm going to do with Andy while he's here. Science and Industry, before the weekend. Maybe the Planetarium on the weekend (it should be completely crazy, but what the hell). Something else for the day after You-Know-What.

I am so wrung out. I'm not tired enough for bed, but I'm pretty much done for the evening. Not that the day was particularly productive anyway.

Chores got done; I get some credit for keeping track of the kids. I took F out to buy a wreath. She missed the tree-cutting when she was sick (we couldn't put it off because it was the end of the season) and wasn't quite ready to go out in the cold. She made the decision to stay home, but she was still upset. I offered to take her out with me once she was feeling better, to let her choose a wreath for the front door, all by herself. We haven't had time (or been virus-free) up until now, but today we managed it.

There was basically no choice, which was fine by me. All we really wanted was a plain vanilla wreath that we could put a ribbon of our own choosing on. And F sometimes comes a bit unstuck when confronted with too many choices, so "no choice" was really a good thing. I'm not sure, but I think we bought the identical wreath last year; it certainly came from the same place.

I can't get past the mental tiredness in my head. I want B to come put me to bed. Last night, when I was feeling so cruddy, I took a bath and washed my hair, and then he came in and dried it for me. I could have done it myself, but my arms were so tired and limp. It was a relief when he agreed to do it, and it made me feel cared for. Tonight I want more of the same, but I'm probably not getting it. He has to go out late (for us; we're so square) to pick up P from class, and by the time he gets back and everyone is sorted out for bed, there won't be any time left. I could ask him to do it now, before he has to leave, but then I would be alone, and I'm selfish that way -- I want a partner with me.

Okay, that's enough. Enough, I say. This is nothing but winding around in the beginnings of a spiral; there has to be a better way.

remember aerosmith? (good aerosmith)---Fucked up, Insane, Neurotic, Emotional.

that's kinda how i've been feeling today and can't really explain why. maybe i'm just tired and physically exhausted, oh yeah and pregnant, tho i won't use that as an excuse--damn hormones. maybe it's cuz i got into a fight with my housemate today, and i always feel so judged or whatever. i always get the two cents from people when it's none of their god-damned business.

i had a wonderfully awesome friday evening, but felt really drained by saturday night (tho still 'glowing' as my co-workers pointed out), and today is no different, i feel i need more sleep but i sleep alot all ready. maybe it's all the work and i really should slow down and take it easy, but i need to save money. maybe i just need to get the fuck out of this town for a couple of days and not worry about anything/one. but that's kinda hard when one is carless.

i've been drowning my woes in a little hank III all day, and too bad i can't drink too much or i'd probably be drunk at the moment, cuz nothin goes better with hank than a little alcohol. and as country can do, sometimes certain songs just make me want to cry thinking about the past or future, and what's going on now.

NOW. now i'm not so sure what the hell is going on. just that there are some things that i need to get off my chest

most of you probably kno i recently went thru a break up and i took it kinda hard. usually i can ball the shit up inside and just get over it. but this time it was a little harder---again, damn hormones. after the break up i thought about how unwanted i felt, how no one would want to hang with me cuz i was pregnant, or in the future, cuz i had a kid, and that can send some people running the other way. i'm not trying to find a daddy, or someone to take care of my kid. i'll do it, his dad will do it. i just want that closeness and intimacy of a relationship/s that i've missed for the past couple of months.

i don't feel like myself. i don't feel sexy and carefree...i feel like i should be more modest or something ( i don't even kno, if that's right, it's hard to explain). i'm not saying i don't feel beautiful, cuz i think pregnant chicks are beautiful, but there's a difference between beautiful and sexy and it fucks with my head sometimes. i don't hide myself tho, in big baggy clothes or whatever, and i've been enjoying this time, being pregnant. it's been nice and easy and fun. (and the sex drive--didn't think it could go anymore than what i had,but it's definitely kicked into overdrive, and so, slightly frustrating when no one's around to share it too often) i'd be lying if i didn't say i can't wait to get this baby out of me, and have my body back somewhat...to feel 'normal.' in my mind's eye, when i see myself, it's not pregnant me. it's the old me. i kno it probably won't be the same, but i look forward to my new life and what it has in store for me.

i don't like feeling down...it's not my usual emotional or mental state. i'm usually upbeat or more positive, trying to see the good in everyone/thing and enjoying life and whatever it throws at me. it's been harder lately and i kno i'll come around, i feel it all ready, but i guess like everyone, i've got my good days and my bad.

thank you to all those who have showed me love and support and the brighter side of life. i've definitely got some lighter happy subject matter, which is of course about a guy.

this guy lives a little over an hour away from me. he works on a resort ranch that his dad owns and we became friends thru myspace. he came to junction for some errands and we decided to meet up. since then, we've been in regular contact and this past weekend, he drove over after work, in the rain, just to hang out for a night. we had a great time. he's a holistic chiropractor, he smart, fun to hang out with and says i'm sexy. he can also read my emotions like a book, which is kinda scary cuz it makes me feel a little vulnerable, which is a slightly uncomfortable. i don't want to get to carried away yet, because we still don't kno each other that well, just meeting in person twice. plus i'm not sure how he feels with any of this. but at the same time, something is there if he would choose to drive that far at midnight just to hang out with me. i all ready feel like i have to restrict my emotions. i don't feel like it's a rebound thing. i can't remember the last time i kissed someone, and that kiss left me speechless. something is there it seems...so i suppose we'll see where it goes. i'm pretty excited to have him in my life and wanted to share it with folks. :)

Note to self: throw off your don't-bug-me-about-religion attitude long enough to pray for clear skies Thursday night. The Geminids meteor shower is supposed to be spectacular. And make sure everyone has lots and lots and LOTS of warm clothes.

I need to pull it together and ship some stuff. Poor N has been waiting for a package for months, and right now she could use some love. The rest of it is Christmas stuff for the Godmother and one of the Grandparents (and I should decide how much I'm donating in honor of the other grandparent, who appreciates Christmas gifts she doesn't have to dust). I'm glad we have long since decided to drop the extended family giving. There are just too many nieces and nephews (and even a couple of great-nieces) to buy presents for everybody. And most of the everybody has more stuff than they know what to do with, anyway. Not to mention the fact that, aside from the great-nieces, there are only three in the whole bunch who are still kids. Nope, let's go easy on the environment and the pocket book and forget to send Christmas cards, too.

Okay, I'll send Christmas cards. At least, I will if I pull it together. Are we starting to see a theme here?

In a way, I have a narrow view of the holidays -- I'm really only interested in doing stuff with members of the family that we communicate with the rest of the year. I mean, I love my cousins, but half of them don't even send *us* Christmas cards. It would be fun to get together with some of them, but we're scattered all over the United States.

And when it comes to people outside of my immediate family, well, I'd rather give anonymously. We had a ball buying Giving Tree gifts. We have more than enough, so it was no problem to buy not only the practical stuff kids asked for, but a little extra. There is stuff in the trunk for the food pantry. We try to give year round, but at Christmas, we give a little extra. So I have bags of flour and sugar. I'll make another delivery of more later; B bought the stuff, and since he didn't have a cart, he could only carry so much. Someone suggested that homeless people could use those "space blankets" -- the ones that are metallic and only cost a little and, most importantly, fold up into a little packet that you can carry easily. So I should contact the homeless shelter. I ought to do that anyway -- if they can use hats and mittens, I know what my next knitting project will be.

Basically, I love giving, but pretty much everybody I know, my own kids included, has all the shit they need. It's still fun, and I can't quite bring myself to leave my kids totally bereft of the fun of opening gifts on Christmas morning, but we cut back a little this year, and included them in all the other giving we're doing. We're rolling in privilege. I want them to understand that, in the hopes that they'll grow up with a little more understanding than I had.

B's office is having a Christmas lunch today. They're exchanging ornaments. That's semi-inoffensive, but I wonder how anyone Jewish, Muslim, or just plain not Christian will feel about that? Not everybody hangs ornaments on a holiday tree.

A friend of mine works at a library where they have decided, since it's obviously a Christmas party but they can't call it a Christmas party, to refer to the whole works as the "annual non-denominational secular voluntary staff enrichment function." Look out when the librarians get the bit in their teeth.

P's girlfriend's family has decided not to do much celebrating of Christmas this year. I'll have to ask her if they're going to Christmas Eve services or joining family on Christmas Day. They're Christians, but S, the mother, has had enough of the holiday crush and mush, and she's lowered the boom. I admire her -- no point in doing it if it just makes half the household crabby.

The Girlfriend has accepted our standing invitation to come help decorate the tree on Christmas Eve; maybe, if they aren't doing anything else, they'd like to come join us for our Christmas Eve dinner. We love spending time with them. They're already invited for the New Year's Eve fondue fest. Cheese, followed by beef (my family's New Year tradition since I was itty), followed by chocolate. This is our first year for chocolate, and the kids are salivating.

The parents will go home before midnight, most likely, although they will stay up late, for them, and probably leave around eleven. The Girlfriend will stay for a (highly chaperoned) overnight, and the kids will stay up until all hours. I will reluctantly go to bed a little after midnight; I will miss B, who will stay up to supervise.

This is the first year in a very long that I haven't had an intensely crabby reaction to all the holiday hype. I like celebrating, don't get me wrong, but I am so not ready for it much before Christmas Eve. When the neighborhood light-maniacs start setting up displays that could guide in extra-terrestrial visitors the day after Thanksgiving, I start feeling for the wire clippers. This year, I wish they'd wait, but I'm not feeling hostile. I guess my mental state continues to improve. I hope I don't lose all my cantankerousness, though -- I'd bore myself to death. But there are plenty of things out there to excite my indignation, still.

B won't be donating blood again. Yesterday was the second time he's had an adverse reaction, and this time he ended up in the hospital with an IV in his arm. Nothing serious, and he's fine, but it's not worth risking it again. I feel badly -- I haven't donated in years because of all the meds I take, and I used to donate regularly. Such a simple thing to do, really. And now neither of us can do it. I'll start plugging it to the kids; it's only a few years before P will be old enough.

I used to have a standing date with K when he lived with us. As soon as we were eligible, we'd locate a blood drive and go donate together. It was a handy arrangement, because he could keep an eye on P while I was stuck on the table; if it hadn't been for that, I wouldn't have been able to do it so easily. Once, we participated in a Guiness Book of World Records attempt at "The World's Biggest Blood Drive." I donated platelets, too. I bleed well and clot up nicely; I'm the perfect donor. Plus, I'm not freaky about needles. And I'm sidelined permanently.

It all made yesterday much more "exciting" than it should have been. I was supposed to take F to the dentist for a frenectomy, and have a tooth pulled myself, and they pulled me out of the room when she'd just been shot up with novocaine to get the emergency phone call. They'd called the house first and gotten P, who told them where to find me. I decided to have F go ahead and get her procedure done -- no point in putting her through having the novocaine injected all over again -- that's the part that hurts. I cancelled the extraction. Then I packed F into the car and hauled ass to the hospital, crossing my fingers all the way that I wouldn't get lost. Fortunately, the person who called from B's work gave me good, simple directions. I'm lucky he knew the area where I was, because it's aways away from the hospital, and I was totally clueless about how to get there.

Way to meet the husband's boss -- grungy jeans, old sweatshirt, hair like a rat's nest. I'm casual, but good grief! She seemed awfully nice, though -- she was mostly concerned that B understand that he should definitely take today off. I had a bet on with myself -- I needed the distraction -- that she'd be the one to accompany him to the hospital. Once, when he got sick at the office, she offered to drop everything and drive him home, and she's a busy woman. Since B is definitely going to be a corporate creature forever, at least he has a boss who's human.

He spent this morning parked in a recliner, giving orders to the kids to clean things up. He must have been pretty flattened -- he slept in, which he rarely does. He felt enough better this afternoon that we were able to go out and do the Christmas shopping, though. We pulled it off in a couple of hours, without hurrying and with time for some coffee. A hint for any fellow harried suburban moms -- Christmas is a lot easier if you give the kids less stuff. Take the money you would have spent and donate it to the food pantry. Credit yourself with reducing your environmental footprint -- think of all the wrapping paper you didn't use.

I also sat down and did most of the planning for the holidays. There isn't much of it, fortunately. We don't do parties or major decorating or bake fifty dozen cookies. Just a tree and a couple of mellow special meals, mostly just family.

So far we've managed to light the Chanukah lights every night. It's a good thing that B's parents were out for Thanksgiving -- for some reason, I'd forgotten to check the calendar to see when Chanukah was.

december is always a busy time for my family with multiple birthdays, anniversarys, and of course the holidays.

i'm looking forward to january. it always feels like a slow down time.

i wish i was dashing thru the snow...at least snow makes the cold bearable. it's odd to not have seen snow yet in colorado. rain is not our usual december precipitation. i'm settling into the homestretch as far as my pregnancy is concerned. 32 weeks...

i'm really looking forward to what motherhood has in store, tho i also kno it's something i will never be able to fathom or kno of until i'm actually going thru it and that it will probably be harder than i think, but that's ok.
the father and i are taking baby steps (no pun intended) toward a relationship in which we can raise this baby together. the last few months have been a bit hard and i wish he would've been around more for this pregnancy, tho it's only been about 2 1/2 months in which he hasn't been involved, so much has changed. we'll see.
i've been slowly emerging from my post-break-up emotional funk. there were times that i've honestly felt that no one would want me after i'm pregnant and after i have a kid. that my dating life would be non-existent as i felt it was now. i definitely have a loving supportive community around me, but i really missed the intimacy and love of a relationship/s. through out it all i've had one "friend," C.S. who has kept me company on lonely nights sometimes and he is so interested to hear about my pregnancy and always asking questions, which i think is sweet. also recently met another cute, smart, interesting guy who would like to hang out with me, but busy schedules, my not having a car, and he living an hour-plus away, makes it a little more difficult at the moment, but certainly not impossible to get to know each other better. just the presence of these two guys in my life at this moment, makes me more hopeful for the future. i kno my dating life, or life in general, hasn't "ended." but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes when someone i felt i loved, didn't love me the same way.

i'm taking it easy from here on out. i'm still working five days a week (waiting tables) i've still been carrying my trays and everything else entailed in that job except lifting really heavy stuff like glass racks and ice. but the more i read about the physiological changes that occur during pregnancy, i realized i should slow down on things even if it's stuff i've done a million times or something that feels ok. i'm aware it can still cause harm.

my sister in law was two cm dialated last i heard. tho not in labor or anything, it can happen any day now. a close friend is due next week. this is the time for babies...