I want to submit this to the Seal Press Metropolitan anthology. Would love and appreciate any feedback offered.
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She tried to roll over in the bed, but her swollen belly wouldn’t allow it. Tom was gone, but she’d grown used to his comings and goings. He wasn’t the steady, dependable man that Daniel had been when he wasn’t chasing the dragon, but he sparked a passion in her that broke the monotony of the days spent washing dishes, changing diapers, warming bottles and chasing children.

She knew that not many men would be willing to get involved with a woman who already had babies, especially not three of them. And even fewer would stay on to have three more with her. Tom hadn’t seemed afraid, at least not at first. In fact, he seemed to like the chaos of three children in a small apartment. But even before little Tommy was born, she realized that his stretches as a train steward from New York to Florida didn’t last as long as his absences, that sometimes he crept in with the smell of perfume nestled in the kinks of his hair and a smudge of lipstick tucked into his shirt collar. On those nights, she’d find a reason to bring Tommy into bed with them, warding off hands that had undressed other women, words that had been spoken many times before.

Still, she always forgave him. Maybe he needed a night when he wasn’t interrupted by the screams of Stefanie’s nightmares or Tommy’s howls of hunger. At any rate, he’d stayed with her, brought home enough to pay the rent and the grocery bills, made her feel like a carefree fifteen-year-old. But each time he came home as the sky began to lighten, she felt as if another piece of the mask she wore fell off. Their being together was a picture slowly breaking into pieces and on each of those nights, another fragment flaked off.

She tried to sit up in bed, but the weight in her belly seemed to have doubled overnight. This pregnancy had hit her harder than the others—twins! When the doctor first told her, she’d looked at him as if he had grown horns on his head.

“You sure about that?�

Tom, on the other hand, had grinned and rubbed her belly. “Hey now. How ‘bout that?�

Although the news hadn’t curbed his absences, he was around more often and for longer stretches of time. When she had been pregnant with Tommy less than two years earlier, he had stayed home only during that last month, afraid to miss the birth of his first son. For the other eight months, he had come home only once in while, although he never missed a prenatal visit. Even so, he had done little for her.

“Baby you’re the expert,� he murmured once, pulling her closer to nuzzle her ear. His unexpected gesture of affection after weeks of turning his back shut her up and she forgot to bring up his lack of support the next morning.

This time, however, he had a more “take charge� attitude. He brought home roasted chicken or lasagna from one of the food courts so that she didn’t have to stand in the kitchen preparing dinner. He organized Stefanie and Rose into twelve- and fourteen-year-old domestics who cleaned the messes their brothers left in their wake. He played with Tommy more, even getting down on the worn rug to push his toy trucks around. For Tommy’s second birthday, he rushed around the neighborhood buying cake, candy, ice cream balloons and streamers while she lay in bed feeling the twins take turns kicking the inside of her belly. Instead of turning on the tv after dinner that night, he even helped put the overexcited boy to bed.

Daniel he left alone for the most part. He would let him watch tv after he came home from school, raid the refrigerator and leave empty wrappers and crumb-filled plates around the apartment. He could do anything he wanted except disturb his mother when the bedroom door was closed.

“She needs her sleep,� Tom told him.

“Then how come you go in there makin’ all that noise?� Daniel shot back.

Daniel, who was growing into his father’s image, had always annoyed Tom with his questions. “What’s a sodomy?� he had asked, looking up from the newspaper he’d been spreading across the floor one afternoon shortly after Tom had moved in with them.

“How come Jenny Walker at school called me a bastard? What’s that mean?�

Usually Tom would duck behind a newspaper, muttering, “Go ask your mother. I’m busy.�

She was hard-put, to say the least, to answer his questions. She tried to distract him with other matters, but he didn’t want to help his sisters with the chores. “That’s girl stuff,� he said and walked away. That always ended the conversation.

As he grew older, he stopped asking questions. When she had been pregnant with Tommy, he had asked how the baby had gotten into her as he rubbed the hard bulge that had become her belly. This time, when she announced that another baby was on its way, Daniel simply smirked, making her feel as if she’d done something shameful.

Her labor was easier than the last, despite having twins. The two boys came out four minutes apart. The first was quiet, looking around, squinting at the sudden onslaught of bright lights and movement. The second one howled as if his dignity had been trampled beneath the doctor’s new white running shoes. He didn’t want to be dried off or swaddled in a blanket but flailed his arms as if trying to drive away the many arms that wanted something of him.

Tom had lifted his mask and was beaming. “We’ll name them Albert and Adrian,� he announced.

She wanted to say no, I want one to be called Joshua, but the prospect of arguing was more tiring than the labor itself. So she kept quiet.

The twins kept him home for three weeks. He examined their fingers and noses, the ears still plastered against their heads, the bright eyes that stared at him without blinking. No, he wasn’t like Daniel Senior who would warm bottles at the first cry, change diapers, rock them to sleep. He taught Stefanie and Rose to do this so that when he was finished studying his new sons, he could return to his paper or to the game on tv.

He also had less patience for Daniel. He would scowl at the boy and ask, “Don’t you have friends? Why don’t you play with them? Why are you always in the house?�

She wanted to sweep the hurt boy into her arms, kiss away the wrinkles on his forehead, but she was just too busy with the twins. Besides, Tom hadn’t hit her baby. He hadn’t even raised his voice And Daniel was too big to be pulled onto her lap for a hug and a kiss. He just started staying out later and later, sometimes coming home for dinner and then leaving his emptied dishes on the table for his new friends. She wanted to say something about that. At his age, neither Stefanie nor Rose had run around the streets after dark. Sure, boys were different than girls, or so she had gathered growing up. While she and her sisters had been called home just as the sky began to darken, the boys on the block could be heard shouting and laughing at all hours.

But Daniel wasn’t even a teenager. He had just turned ten. He still seemed so young…and so fragile. Besides, the streets were becoming more dangerous. Mr. Dudley up the block had had to go to the hospital last week after being hit in the head for his wallet. Whoever did it only found two dollars and a losing Lotto ticket and took it out on the rest of Mr. Dudley’s body.

But she was too busy with the babies to sit down with Daniel. One baby would cry, demanding to be fed or changed. After he had settled down to sleep, happily sucking a pacifier, his twin would begin screaming. Then Tommy, woken from his nap or jealous of these two tiny rivals, would begin his own howls. She felt as if she spent the day rushing from one baby to the next, always with a bottle in one hand, a diaper in the other. She didn’t have time to meet Daniel’s new friends or to chase after Stefanie, who was also beginning to stay out later and later. Thank goodness for Rose, too shy to go out, who could make simple dishes like spaghetti or broiled chicken. Her food was usually bland—Tom began spending mealtimes outside, coming home smelling sweetly of perfume and home cooking. She was too tired to argue with him—his girlfriend was obviously a better cook. Besides, a two-bedroom apartment filled with six children drained any passion out of her by the time he sauntered in the door. The few evenings he actually arrived in time for dinner, she yawned when he glanced at her and faked sleep when his hand stroked her back.

With twins, she couldn’t pay as much attention to each as she had with her other babies. When Stefanie, then Rose, were little, she would spend hours with the newborn girl propped against her knees, watching her mouth form new syllables. “Aaaah, ooooh, aaoo.� She would watch the way each girl discovered her feet, lying flat on the bed and lifting her legs to look at her tiny toes. With Daniel, and then Tommy, she had less time, but she still held each boy in her arms and sang as she sat on the couch. She remembered Daniel crooning along with the melody of the mobile his father had bought at a stoop sale. She remembered Tommy learning to grab his ankle and bring his big toe to his mouth.

With Albert and Adrian, she missed many of these little moments. It was Rose who ran into the kitchen and squealed, “Mama! Mama! Albert just smiled at me!� It was Tommy who howled when Adrian first sat up, beaming proudly before tumbling off the couch.

Still, she didn’t miss everything. When the older ones went to school and Tommy settled down for his nap, she spread a blanket on the floor and set both her boys on it. Adrian tried to crawl, screaming in frustration as his limbs propelled him backwards, away from the toy gorilla Albert was holding. Albert held his hands to his face, spreading his fingers and peering at them in wonder. Once, when Albert was asleep, she propped Adrian against her knees and played, “Peek-a-boo.� When she opened her hands and sang, “Peek-a-boo,� his mouth widened into a toothless grin and he shouted, “Gih!�

But these moments seemed so few. The days Tom was home meant that there was one more person demanding her attention. On the few nights he came home early, he buried his attention in the sports section or in the flickering images of the television screen. And he didn’t seem interested when she tried to tell him that Adrian had started running, that his favorite game was being scared by Tommy or by Rose. She would be in the kitchen and hear Tommy or Rose roar, then a squeal and the patter of footsteps as he dashed into the room. He would stop in front of her and, with a smile twitching in the corner of his mouth and eyes dancing with happiness, would say, “Tah-ee� or “Rose� before running back to be roared at again. Albert, on the other hand, hated that game and would run screaming into the room, hug her knees and bury his face in her thighs. She didn’t tell Tom about that. She knew that he would say, “Albert has to learn not to be a sissy� and roar at the poor boy each time he saw him.

Sometimes having Tom at home was like having another child in the house rather than another adult who could help her with all these demands. For Christmas, Tom bought Daniel an alien mask. Daniel seemed uninterested in the gift, but Albert froze when he saw the large blank eyeholes.

“Don’t’ be a baby. Look.� Tom put on the mask and
began crooning the wide-eyed boy’s name.

Albert shrieked and, his eyes filled with tears, raced to his mother and buried his head in her lap.

She scowled at Tom. “Put that away,� she ordered. When he ignored her and continued his crooning, she raised her voice. “Don’t spoil Christmas! Put it away!�

He started, but took off the mask. She hid it that night, not trusting Tom not to torment his own son again.
At times like that, she felt as if a thousand hands were grabbing her, a thousand voices were shouting “Mama! Mama! Come here! I need help! Mama!�

Once the twins start school, she thought, I’ll be able to take care of everything again. She watched as the two boys toddled around in diapers. She stopped Adrian from taking Albert’s toy and hitting him with it. Poor Albert would cry but he would let his brother do it time and again. As she separated the two boys, she wondered what she would do with her mornings once the house was empty.