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Siblings At Birth (First draft - input please)

Siblings At Birth

It was not my idea to have my older daughter present at the birth of her baby sister. Knowing my little mad scientist-girl, I was not worried that such an experience would be unhealthy or disturbing for her, but I did not feel that having her there would be good for me. Giving birth is intense and it takes everything one has. One’s energy must be focused entirely on oneself and the baby when things get close and I felt that my daughter would be a distraction to me. As a mother, I did not feel that I would be able to turn off my need to care for my older daughter if she was present and I felt that need would interfere with the hard work of labor. For my own good, therefore, I thought it would be best to have my older child stay with a family member when I gave birth to her sibling. At first…

From the moment we told my daughter that I was pregnant, shortly before her eighth birthday, she had other plans. Mimosa immediately made it quite clear that she was a full member of our family, just like my husband, the baby-to-be and myself, and that she would not be excluded from such a special event. She was so adamant that it did not take me long to come around to agreeing to at least consider allowing her to be present. My husband was also in favor of having her there, so we began researching the possibility.

After doing a lot of talking together and reading and after talking to people who had birthed their babies with siblings present, my husband and my daughter and I felt that this option was one that would probably be right for our family. The process of deciding to have Mimosa present at her sister’s birth and getting ready for the experience involved what I have come to refer to as the five Ps: Preference, Personality, Permission, Preparation and Protector. Families considering a birth experience that includes siblings might want to use the five Ps to assist them in making their own decision and in getting ready for this special event.

Preference
My daughter had a strong Preference for being present at her sister’s birth. She was certain and insistent about this position from the very start and never changed her mind. A child should only be present at a birth if the child wishes to be present. Parents should discuss an older child’s preference with the child, being careful not to pressure a child who does not really wish to participate. A toddler’s preference is necessarily going to be a more fluid state, and a parent will need to be willing to go with the flow a little and see how much a toddler wishes to participate from moment to moment in a labor and birth.

The preference of the parents is also important. I knew before I got pregnant that my daughter would probably prefer to be present at a sibling’s birth, but I did not originally feel that this was my preference. In the case of our family, my daughter quickly convinced me that it was important for our family to be together during this birth, but some parents might feel an even stronger need than I initially felt to be uninhibited by the presence of other children. Fathers also might prefer to be alone with their partners and birth attendants. Every family is different and this is a personal choice for a family to make. Each family should weight their preferences and decide what they want for their birth experience.

Personality
A child’s Personality is an important factor to take into account when deciding if the child should be present at a sibling’s birth. My daughter had a personality that I felt would support a real enjoyment of seeing her sister born. She is a little scientist who was deeply fascinated by the placenta and all the blood. I knew she was not apt to be disturbed by nudity or gore and that she would probably find those aspects of the experience exciting. She was comfortable with adults such as our birth attendant and nurses and not the sort to be made nervous by being in a hospital. Other children might find the very same experiences disturbing so it is important to consider what a child is like, what interests and frightens her, and whether her personality and the sort of birth that is planned are a good fit when making this decision.

Permission
The Permission P is twofold. First, if a child is to be present at her sibling’s birth, her family must be sure that their birth attendant and birth setting will allow her to be present. My nurse-midwife had no problem with the idea of my child being present at the birth. Since I was birthing in a hospital, we also had to be sure that the hospital would allow Mimosa to be present. While it was not very long ago that hospitals did not even allow fathers to be present during “deliveries?, they have come a long way in this regard. Most hospitals and birthing centers, while not exactly accustomed to it, do allow children to be present during vaginal deliveries as long as there is someone there to watch the child. If a family is not birthing at home, where it is all up to their own discretion and that of their birth attendant, they should be sure to check if their birth setting allows children to be present and what conditions they may set for that to be able to happen. I would venture to say that a birth attendant or birth setting that will not even consider allowing a child’s presence might not be sensitive enough to the needs of the family. Families should remember that it is their birth and that they always have a choice.

The second part of the Permission P is for the child and for the parents. The child needs to have permission to leave the labor and birth experience if she needs to leave. Even after careful consideration of a child’s preference and personality, even after carefully preparing one’s child, the reality can often be different from what a child may have expected and children sometimes change their minds. If this happens and they decide at any time that they do not want to be present anymore, they need to know that they have permission to leave and that leaving is just fine. They should not feel any pressure to stay. Parents also need to feel permission to have their children leave at any point during the experience if it turns out that having their child present just is not working for them.

Preparation
In order to have a good experience with having siblings at a birth, a family must be well prepared. Preparation is the fourth P. Siblings need to be educated about the birth process and what to expect. Families should spend time talking about how birth happens, the different things that can occur and what they will do in different situations. They should also seek out opportunities for children to spend time with the birth attendant the family has chosen and to get used to the birth setting that the family has chosen. If a mother will be birthing in her own home, her child should be told about any ways in which the family might be preparing their home for the birth, like the addition of a tub or any protective coverings they might use on the bed or floor.

When my daughter told me that she wished to be present at her sister’s birth, we began looking at photos of births, such as the photos in the book A Child Is Born by Lennart Nilsson. I took my daughter with me to many of my prenatal appointments so that she and my nurse-midwife could get to know each other. I looked for a childbirth preparation class that would allow her to attend, but did not find one. In place of classes, we scheduled an orientation at the hospital where we planned to have our baby. A well-prepared labor and delivery nurse talked to our family about labor and showed us around the labor and delivery and postpartum areas as well as the nursery where they would do our baby’s hearing test. The nurse took a long time with my daughter and gave her some more pictures and reading materials about birth. She also let me check out some videos of a variety of births to watch with Mimosa. Looking at pictures had been a good place to start, but as our birth got closer, I knew that Mimosa should see actual footage of what birth was like to be sure that she was comfortable with it. We watched the videos, including some about siblings like her, and talked about what we saw. All during my pregnancy, we talked and talked about birth. My daughter was as prepared for the experience as she could be, short of having attended another birth, and she was sure…she wanted to be present. By that time, my husband and I were sure as well.

Just as one packs a bag for one’s self and the new baby when one is going to give birth in a birthing center or hospital, families should also prepare the things that siblings who are present at a birth might need. Several of my friends gave me arts and crafts for my daughter to work on as shower gifts and my sister sent us an art set and some movies for my daughter. I put the crafts and movies aside for my daughter to have as novel entertainment during the early part of my labor when I intended to stay at home in our bathtub. The art set I packed in a bag with some paper and some other art supplies and books, as well as snacks, water and several disposable cameras. That bag was the one my daughter would take to the hospital to keep her busy while I finished up giving birth to her sister.

Protector
The fifth P is for Protector. If a baby’s siblings are going to be present at her birth, there must be someone present who can take care of them. It is not the birth attendant’s job to baby-sit and the mother may need all of her partner’s attention to herself at times during labor. Ideally, a child’s protector needs to be someone other that her mother’s partner or birth attendant. The protector’s only job is to take care of the siblings. They are there to occupy the children while mother is laboring, to take them out of the room if things get too intense or a change of scenery is needed, and to care for and supervise them, generally. If at all possible, the protector should be someone with whom the child is very comfortable and someone who the parents want present at the birth, as well.

My youngest sister was Mimosa’s protector during our baby’s birth. I had talked her into being there for Mimosa, but we needed a back-up plan as well. The baby was due in early June and my sister, a fifteen-year-old who lived 500 miles away, could not come until school was out. We thought she would probably make it in time, but one never knows. A good friend of mine offered to come and be with Mimosa if we needed her to, as did several members of our Quaker Meeting. I was extremely relieved to have options, as I knew that I might need them, but I was definitely relieved when my sister arrived almost two weeks before the baby was born.

My sister supervised my daughter at the nurse-midwife’s office when I went in on the day of my labor to confirm that it was for real. When I was ready to get into the bathtub at home, my sister helped my daughter with craft projects and watched movies with her for several hours. When we went to the hospital in transition, my sister kept track of my daughter on our way up to labor and delivery and engaged her in some more artwork in the room. When things got intense and they needed a break from the labor, my sister took my daughter on walks through the hallways and got her treats from the vending machine. Since I was 100% comfortable with having my sister present during my labor and the baby’s birth and since my daughter was very close to and comfortable with her aunt, this was a perfect arrangement.

Great Experience
My daughter and my sister both watched with jumping-up-and-down excitement as I pushed the baby out into the world. They were as amazed and excited as my husband and I were. No one thought to take any pictures until after the baby was out and then my scientist-daughter busily used her disposable camera to chronicle the placenta and every bit of blood that she could find. Those were some pictures we had to keep close to home! Mimosa was so very excited to get to see her baby sister being born and to hold her soon after while the baby was still in her amazed-with-the-world, active-alert state. We all got to spend a good long time just snuggling and bonding as our new family was born. My husband and I became parents of two amazing daughters that day, instead of one, and my older daughter, along with the baby, became a sister. It was a sweet time.

Having my daughter present at our baby’s birth was a wonderful experience for our family. I am glad and grateful that she talked me into it, because now that we have done it, it does not seem that it would have been right to welcome a baby into our family without the whole family being present. Having my daughter there was definitely the right choice for us.

I think that the best way to describe our experience with having a sibling at birth was my daughter’s statement shortly after her sister was born: “This was the best day of my whole life!? I hope that every family that decides to have siblings present at their baby’s birth gets to feel the same way.

By Lone Star Ma at 02/19/2005 - 6:36am | Non-Fiction | previous forum topic | next forum topic

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Hey LSM, this is a really inf

Hey LSM, this is a really informative article that I think would help a lot of families clarify their thinking around this issue. The "five P's" is good!

I think you could make the beginning more immediate by starting with your second paragraph, changing the first sentence slightly ("From the moment we told my 8yo daughter I was pregnant, she wanted to be at the birth.") It paints a vivid picture of your spirited daughter and her determination (the "mad scientist" description of her should definitely be in there). Then counter this with your initial negative reaction to the idea (para.1) This would set up an interesting, dramatic conflict right away and draw readers in who may be going through something similar, or who would immediately imagine what they'd say to their kid in a similar situation. Then keep the third para. with how you resolved things.

Hope this is helpful.

Miranda: a zine about motherhood and other adventures

By Miranda at Sun, 02/20/2005 - 11:19pm |

Thanks! Very helpful. Secon

Thanks! Very helpful. Second draft forthcoming.

By Lone Star Ma at Mon, 02/21/2005 - 4:46am |

Second draft

Siblings At Birth
by: Mariah Boone

From the moment we told my eight-year-old daughter that I was pregnant, she wanted to be at the birth. I was not so keen on the idea. Knowing my little mad scientist-girl, I was not worried that such an experience would be unhealthy or disturbing for her, but I did not feel that having her there would be good for me. Giving birth is intense and it takes everything one has. One’s energy must be focused entirely on oneself and the baby when things get close and I felt that my daughter would be a distraction to me. As a mother, I did not feel that I would be able to turn off my need to care for my older daughter if she was present and I felt that need would interfere with the hard work of labor. For my own good, therefore, I thought it would be best to have my older child stay with a family member when I gave birth to her sibling.

Mimosa immediately made it quite clear that she was a full member of our family, just like my husband, the baby-to-be and myself, and that she would not be excluded from such a special event. She was so adamant that it did not take me long to come around to agreeing to at least consider allowing her to be present. My husband was also in favor of having her there, so we began researching the possibility.

After doing a lot of talking together and reading and after talking to people who had birthed their babies with siblings present, my husband and my daughter and I came to feel that this option was one that would probably be right for our family. The process of deciding to have Mimosa present at her sister’s birth and getting ready for the experience involved what I have come to refer to as the five Ps: Preference, Personality, Permission, Preparation and Protector. Families considering a birth experience that includes siblings might want to use the five Ps to assist them in making their own decision and in getting ready for this special event.

Preference
My daughter had a strong Preference for being present at her sister’s birth. She was certain and insistent about this position from the very start and never changed her mind. A child should only be present at a birth if the child wishes to be present. Parents should discuss an older child’s preference with the child, being careful not to pressure a child who does not really wish to participate. A toddler’s preference is necessarily going to be a more fluid state, and a parent will need to be willing to go with the flow a little and see how much a toddler wishes to participate from moment to moment in a labor and birth.

The preference of the parents is also important. I knew before I got pregnant that my daughter would probably prefer to be present at a sibling’s birth, but I did not originally feel that this was my preference. In the case of our family, my daughter quickly convinced me that it was important for our family to be together during this birth, but some parents might feel an even stronger need than I initially felt to be uninhibited by the presence of other children. Fathers also might prefer to be alone with their partners and birth attendants. Every family is different and this is a personal choice for a family to make. Each family should weight their preferences and decide what they want for their birth experience.

Personality
A child’s Personality is an important factor to take into account when deciding if the child should be present at a sibling’s birth. My daughter had a personality that I felt would support a real enjoyment of seeing her sister born. She is a little scientist who was deeply fascinated by the placenta and all the blood. I knew she was not apt to be disturbed by nudity or gore and that she would probably find those aspects of the experience exciting. She was comfortable with adults such as our birth attendant and nurses and not the sort to be made nervous by being in a hospital. Other children might find the very same experiences disturbing so it is important to consider what a child is like, what interests and frightens her, and whether her personality and the sort of birth that is planned are a good fit when making this decision.

Permission
The Permission P is twofold. First, if a child is to be present at her sibling’s birth, her family must be sure that their birth attendant and birth setting will allow her to be present. My nurse-midwife had no problem with the idea of my child being present at the birth. Since I was birthing in a hospital, we also had to be sure that the hospital would allow Mimosa to be present. While it was not very long ago that hospitals did not even allow fathers to be present during “deliveries�, they have come a long way in this regard. Most hospitals and birthing centers, while not exactly accustomed to it, do allow children to be present during vaginal deliveries as long as there is someone there to watch the child. If a family is not birthing at home, where it is all up to their own discretion and that of their birth attendant, they should be sure to check if their birth setting allows children to be present and what conditions they may set for that to be able to happen. I would venture to say that a birth attendant or birth setting that will not even consider allowing a child’s presence might not be sensitive enough to the needs of the family. Families should remember that it is their birth and that they always have a choice.

The second part of the Permission P is for the child and for the parents. The child needs to have permission to leave the labor and birth experience if she needs to leave. Even after careful consideration of a child’s preference and personality, even after carefully preparing one’s child, the reality can often be different from what a child may have expected and children sometimes change their minds. If this happens and they decide at any time that they do not want to be present anymore, they need to know that they have permission to leave and that leaving is just fine. They should not feel any pressure to stay. Parents also need to feel permission to have their children leave at any point during the experience if it turns out that having their child present just is not working for them.

Preparation
In order to have a good experience with having siblings at a birth, a family must be well prepared. Preparation is the fourth P. Siblings need to be educated about the birth process and what to expect. Families should spend time talking about how birth happens, the different things that can occur and what they will do in different situations. They should also seek out opportunities for children to spend time with the birth attendant the family has chosen and to get used to the birth setting that the family has chosen. If a mother will be birthing in her own home, her child should be told about any ways in which the family might be preparing their home for the birth, like the addition of a tub or any protective coverings they might use on the bed or floor.

When my daughter told me that she wished to be present at her sister’s birth, we began looking at photos of births, such as the photos in the book A Child Is Born by Lennart Nilsson. I took my daughter with me to many of my prenatal appointments so that she and my nurse-midwife could get to know each other. I looked for a childbirth preparation class that would allow her to attend, but did not find one. In place of classes, we scheduled an orientation at the hospital where we planned to have our baby. A well-prepared labor and delivery nurse talked to our family about labor and showed us around the labor and delivery and postpartum areas as well as the nursery where they would do our baby’s hearing test. The nurse took a long time with my daughter and gave her some more pictures and reading materials about birth. She also let me check out some videos of a variety of births to watch with Mimosa. Looking at pictures had been a good place to start, but as our birth got closer, I knew that Mimosa should see actual footage of what birth was like to be sure that she was comfortable with it. We watched the videos, including some about siblings like her, and talked about what we saw. All during my pregnancy, we talked and talked about birth. My daughter was as prepared for the experience as she could be, short of having attended another birth, and she was sure…she wanted to be present. By that time, my husband and I were sure as well.

Just as one packs a bag for one’s self and the new baby when one is going to give birth in a birthing center or hospital, families should also prepare the things that siblings who are present at a birth might need. Several of my friends gave me arts and crafts for my daughter to work on as shower gifts and my sister sent us an art set and some movies for my daughter. I put the crafts and movies aside for my daughter to have as novel entertainment during the early part of my labor when I intended to stay at home in our bathtub. The art set I packed in a bag with some paper and some other art supplies and books, as well as snacks, water and several disposable cameras. That bag was the one my daughter would take to the hospital to keep her busy while I finished up giving birth to her sister.

Protector
The fifth P is for Protector. If a baby’s siblings are going to be present at her birth, there must be someone present who can take care of them. It is not the birth attendant’s job to baby-sit and the mother may need all of her partner’s attention to herself at times during labor. Ideally, a child’s protector needs to be someone other that her mother’s partner or birth attendant. The protector’s only job is to take care of the siblings. They are there to occupy the children while mother is laboring, to take them out of the room if things get too intense or a change of scenery is needed, and to care for and supervise them, generally. If at all possible, the protector should be someone with whom the child is very comfortable and someone who the parents want present at the birth, as well.

My youngest sister was Mimosa’s protector during our baby’s birth. I had talked her into being there for Mimosa, but we needed a back-up plan as well. The baby was due in early June and my sister, a fifteen-year-old who lived 500 miles away, could not come until school was out. We thought she would probably make it in time, but one never knows. A good friend of mine offered to come and be with Mimosa if we needed her to, as did several members of our Quaker Meeting. I was extremely relieved to have options, as I knew that I might need them, but I was definitely relieved when my sister arrived almost two weeks before the baby was born.

My sister supervised my daughter at the nurse-midwife’s office when I went in on the day of my labor to confirm that it was for real. When I was ready to get into the bathtub at home, my sister helped my daughter with craft projects and watched movies with her for several hours. When we went to the hospital in transition, my sister kept track of my daughter on our way up to labor and delivery and engaged her in some more artwork in the room. When things got intense and they needed a break from the labor, my sister took my daughter on walks through the hallways and got her treats from the vending machine. Since I was 100% comfortable with having my sister present during my labor and the baby’s birth and since my daughter was very close to and comfortable with her aunt, this was a perfect arrangement.

Great Experience
My daughter and my sister both watched with jumping-up-and-down excitement as I pushed the baby out into the world. They were as amazed and excited as my husband and I were. No one thought to take any pictures until after the baby was out and then my scientist-daughter busily used her disposable camera to chronicle the placenta and every bit of blood that she could find. Those were some pictures we had to keep close to home! Mimosa was so very excited to get to see her baby sister being born and to hold her soon after while the baby was still in her amazed-with-the-world, active-alert state. We all got to spend a good long time just snuggling and bonding as our new family was born. My husband and I became parents of two amazing daughters that day, instead of one, and my older daughter, along with the baby, became a sister. It was a sweet time.

Having my daughter present at our baby’s birth was a wonderful experience for our family. I am glad and grateful that she talked me into it, because now that we have done it, it does not seem that it would have been right to welcome a baby into our family without the whole family being present. Having my daughter there was definitely the right choice for us.

I think that the best way to describe our experience with having a sibling at birth was my daughter’s statement shortly after her sister was born: “This was the best day of my whole life!� I hope that every family that decides to have siblings present at their baby’s birth gets to feel the same way.

By Lone Star Ma at Mon, 02/21/2005 - 5:04am |

Input, please? Thanks.

Input, please? Thanks.

By Lone Star Ma at Tue, 02/22/2005 - 10:07pm |

LSM i think this is GREAT!! a

LSM i think this is GREAT!! and it seems like it could find a home in a magazine really easily. definitely try mothering--they have more articles than they know what to do with but this one would have broad based appeal i think. you have a really strong beginning and ending. the meat of it is great--good examples, vivid imagery. really strong stuff.

a few nitpicky things...
as far as the five Ps. i think you should say Protection instead of Protector as a heading.

this sentence is a little awkward
"After doing a lot of talking together and reading and after talking to people who had birthed their babies with siblings present....

i don't think you should capitalize the P words in sentence. i.e. "My daughter had a strong Preference for being present at her sister’s birth..."

i think this should be weigh instead of weight:
"Each family should weight their preferences and decide what they want for their birth experience."

this is awkward sounding: "The Permission P is twofold." I would say it more generically.

not sure on the ... here: "and she was sure…she wanted to be present"

i would rephrase this: "finished up giving birth to her sister."

good luck with this! let us know where it ends up!

www.fertilegroundzine.com

By staleyg at Wed, 02/23/2005 - 3:33pm |

Thanks! I'm going to polish

Thanks! I'm going to polish this up some more and send it out. I'm going to try New Beginnings first. I think it's too neutral for mothering. If New Beginnings doesn't want it, I may actually try someplace...mainstream....

By Lone Star Ma at Wed, 02/23/2005 - 5:24pm |

mainstream is a great idea! l

mainstream is a great idea! like where mainstream? if you go that route you might need like quotes from "experts" in there...

www.fertilegroundzine.com

By staleyg at Wed, 02/23/2005 - 6:10pm |

I don't know...Parenting or s

I don't know...Parenting or something like that...they all sort of blur together...I'm going to try New Beginnings first.

By Lone Star Ma at Thu, 02/24/2005 - 11:03pm |

Posting my revisions in a min

Posting my revisions in a minute...I kept Protector. I agree that Protection reads better but I think this one needs to emphasize that it's a person...also twofold just because I like it. Thanks for your help! Please let me know if you see anything else!

By Lone Star Ma at Thu, 02/24/2005 - 11:25pm |

Revised

Siblings At Birth
by: Mariah Boone

From the moment we told my eight-year-old daughter that I was pregnant, she wanted to be at the birth. I was not so keen on the idea. Knowing my little mad scientist-girl, I was not worried that such an experience would be unhealthy or disturbing for her, but I did not feel that having her there would be good for me. Giving birth is intense and it takes everything one has. One’s energy must be focused entirely on oneself and the baby when things get close and I felt that my daughter would be a distraction to me. As a mother, I did not feel that I would be able to turn off my need to care for my older daughter if she was present and I felt that need would interfere with the hard work of labor. For my own good, therefore, I thought it would be best to have my older child stay with a family member when I gave birth to her sibling.

Mimosa immediately made it quite clear that she was a full member of our family, just like my husband, the baby-to-be and myself, and that she would not be excluded from such a special event. She was so adamant that it did not take me long to come around to agreeing to at least consider allowing her to be present. My husband was also in favor of having her there, so we began researching the possibility.

The three of us did a lot of talking together about having Mimosa present at the birth. We also read about having children present at birth and talked to people who had given birth in the presence of siblings. After much consideration, we came to feel that this option was one that would probably be right for our family. The process of deciding to have Mimosa present at her sister’s birth and getting ready for the experience involved what I have come to refer to as the five Ps: Preference, Personality, Permission, Preparation and Protector. Families considering a birth experience that includes siblings might want to use the five Ps to assist them in making their own decision and in getting ready for this special event.

Preference
My daughter had a strong preference for being present at her sister’s birth. She was certain and insistent about this position from the very start and never changed her mind. A child should only be present at a birth if the child wishes to be present. Parents should discuss an older child’s preference with the child, being careful not to pressure a child who does not really wish to participate. A toddler’s preference is necessarily going to be a more fluid state, and a parent will need to be willing to go with the flow a little and see how much a toddler wishes to participate from moment to moment in a labor and birth.

The preference of the parents is also important. I knew before I got pregnant that my daughter would probably prefer to be present at a sibling’s birth, but I did not originally feel that this was my preference. In the case of our family, my daughter quickly convinced me that it was important for our family to be together during this birth, but some parents might feel an even stronger need than I initially felt to be uninhibited by the presence of other children. Fathers also might prefer to be alone with their partners and birth attendants. Every family is different and this is a personal choice for a family to make. Each family should weigh their preferences and decide what they want for their birth experience.

Personality
A child’s personality is an important factor to take into account when deciding if the child should be present at a sibling’s birth. My daughter had a personality that I felt would support a real enjoyment of seeing her sister born. She is a little scientist who was deeply fascinated by the placenta and all the blood. I knew she was not apt to be disturbed by nudity or gore and that she would probably find those aspects of the experience exciting. She was comfortable with adults such as our birth attendant and nurses and not the sort to be made nervous by being in a hospital. Other children might find the very same experiences disturbing so it is important to consider what a child is like, what interests and frightens her, and whether her personality and the sort of birth that is planned are a good fit when making this decision.

Permission
The permission P is twofold. First, if a child is to be present at her sibling’s birth, her family must be sure that their birth attendant and birth setting will allow her to be present. My nurse-midwife had no problem with the idea of my child being present at the birth. Since I was birthing in a hospital, we also had to be sure that the hospital would allow Mimosa to be present. While it was not very long ago that hospitals did not even allow fathers to be present during “deliveries�, they have come a long way in this regard. Most hospitals and birthing centers, while not exactly accustomed to it, do allow children to be present during vaginal deliveries as long as there is someone there to watch the child. If a family is not birthing at home, where it is all up to their own discretion and that of their birth attendant, they should be sure to check if their birth setting allows children to be present and what conditions they may set for that to be able to happen. I would venture to say that a birth attendant or birth setting that will not even consider allowing a child’s presence might not be sensitive enough to the needs of the family. Families should remember that it is their birth and that they always have a choice.

The second part of the permission P is for the child and for the parents. The child needs to have permission to leave the labor and birth experience if she needs to leave. Even after careful consideration of a child’s preference and personality, even after carefully preparing one’s child, the reality can often be different from what a child may have expected and children sometimes change their minds. If this happens and they decide at any time that they do not want to be present anymore, they need to know that they have permission to leave and that leaving is just fine. They should not feel any pressure to stay. Parents also need to feel permission to have their children leave at any point during the experience if it turns out that having their child present just is not working for them.

Preparation
In order to have a good experience with having siblings at a birth, a family must be well prepared. Preparation is the fourth P. Siblings need to be educated about the birth process and what to expect. Families should spend time talking about how birth happens, the different things that can occur and what they will do in different situations. They should also seek out opportunities for children to spend time with the birth attendant the family has chosen and to get used to the birth setting that the family has chosen. If a mother will be birthing in her own home, her child should be told about any ways in which the family might be preparing their home for the birth, like the addition of a tub or any protective coverings they might use on the bed or floor.

When my daughter told me that she wished to be present at her sister’s birth, we began looking at photos of births, such as the photos in the book A Child Is Born by Lennart Nilsson. I took my daughter with me to many of my prenatal appointments so that she and my nurse-midwife could get to know each other. I looked for a childbirth preparation class that would allow her to attend, but did not find one. In place of classes, we scheduled an orientation at the hospital where we planned to have our baby. A well-prepared labor and delivery nurse talked to our family about labor and showed us around the labor and delivery and postpartum areas as well as the nursery where they would do our baby’s hearing test. The nurse took a long time with my daughter and gave her some more pictures and reading materials about birth. She also let me check out some videos of a variety of births to watch with Mimosa. Looking at pictures had been a good place to start, but as our birth got closer, I knew that Mimosa should see actual footage of what birth was like to be sure that she was comfortable with it. We watched the videos, including some about siblings like her, and talked about what we saw. All during my pregnancy, we talked and talked about birth. My daughter was as prepared for the experience as she could be, short of having attended another birth, and she was sure…she did want to be present. By that time, my husband and I were sure as well.

Just as one packs a bag for one’s self and the new baby when one is going to give birth in a birthing center or hospital, families should also prepare the things that siblings who are present at a birth might need. Several of my friends gave me arts and crafts for my daughter to work on as shower gifts and my sister sent us an art set and some movies for my daughter. I put the crafts and movies aside for my daughter to have as novel entertainment during the early part of my labor when I intended to stay at home in our bathtub. The art set I packed in a bag with some paper and some other art supplies and books, as well as snacks, water and several disposable cameras. That bag was the one my daughter would take to the hospital to keep her busy while we were there.

Protector
The fifth P is for protector. If a baby’s siblings are going to be present at her birth, there must be someone present who can take care of them. It is not the birth attendant’s job to baby-sit and the mother may need all of her partner’s attention to herself at times during labor. Ideally, a child’s protector needs to be someone other that her mother’s partner or birth attendant. The protector’s only job is to take care of the siblings. They are there to occupy the children while mother is laboring, to take them out of the room if things get too intense or a change of scenery is needed, and to care for and supervise them, generally. If at all possible, the protector should be someone with whom the child is very comfortable and someone who the parents want present at the birth, as well.

My youngest sister was Mimosa’s protector during our baby’s birth. I had talked her into being there for Mimosa, but we needed a back-up plan as well. The baby was due in early June and my sister, a fifteen-year-old who lived 500 miles away, could not come until school was out. We thought she would probably make it in time, but one never knows. A good friend of mine offered to come and be with Mimosa if we needed her to, as did several members of our Quaker Meeting. I was extremely relieved to have options, as I knew that I might need them, but I was definitely relieved when my sister arrived almost two weeks before the baby was born.

My sister supervised my daughter at the nurse-midwife’s office when I went in on the day of my labor to confirm that it was for real. When I was ready to get into the bathtub at home, my sister helped my daughter with craft projects and watched movies with her for several hours. When we went to the hospital in transition, my sister kept track of my daughter on our way up to labor and delivery and engaged her in some more artwork in the room. When things got intense and they needed a break from the labor, my sister took my daughter on walks through the hallways and got her treats from the vending machine. Since I was 100% comfortable with having my sister present during my labor and the baby’s birth and since my daughter was very close to and comfortable with her aunt, this was a perfect arrangement.

Great Experience
My daughter and my sister both watched with jumping-up-and-down excitement as I pushed the baby out into the world. They were as amazed and excited as my husband and I were. No one thought to take any pictures until after the baby was out and then my scientist-daughter busily used her disposable camera to chronicle the placenta and every bit of blood that she could find. Those were some pictures we had to keep close to home! Mimosa was so very excited to get to see her baby sister being born and to hold her soon after while the baby was still in her amazed-with-the-world, active-alert state. We all got to spend a good long time just snuggling and bonding as our new family was born. My husband and I became parents of two amazing daughters that day, instead of one, and my older daughter, along with the baby, became a sister. It was a sweet time.

Having my daughter present at our baby’s birth was a wonderful experience for our family. I am glad and grateful that she talked me into it, because now that we have done it, it does not seem that it would have been right to welcome a baby into our family without the whole family being present. Having my daughter there was definitely the right choice for us.

I think that the best way to describe our experience with having a sibling at birth was my daughter’s statement shortly after her sister was born: “This was the best day of my whole life!� I hope that every family that decides to have siblings present at their baby’s birth gets to feel the same way.

By Lone Star Ma at Thu, 02/24/2005 - 11:27pm |

Can I use this?

Hi Lone Star Ma! I teach a Sibling Preparation Class at our local Birth Center (thebirthcenter.com) and am always looking for some new info to share with the parents. Can I have your permission to reproduce and share your article? It may be personal, but it is a great story (not unlike my own, as well!) and well written. Thanks!
Nancy Michel
Wilmington, DE

By Nancy Michel at Sat, 08/05/2006 - 7:46am |

It's part of New Beginnings

It's part of New Beginnings now, but it's okay with me.

By Lone Star Ma at Sun, 11/19/2006 - 3:52am |

Great!

submit! submit!

By China at Fri, 02/25/2005 - 4:28pm |

oops double post

oops double post

By staleyg at Wed, 02/23/2005 - 6:09pm |

I just got back from a trip

so I am bleary eyed.

But heres little comments - I love the ending "this was the best day of my whole life" and also think it was really informative for parents to be thinking over the same issues.

How about Mothering magazine as a market?

its always interesting to hear stories from your family life
I need to read this over more carefully, like tommorow

By China at Wed, 02/23/2005 - 4:00am |