it's longish, that's why i had just given the link before...by the by what sort of things are you specifically looking for for fertilegrund...i love the artwork on the covers!!!

will do it now

hey i really liked this--very different from what i'm used to reading. i'm not too sure about a sci fi market though??

for fertile ground i'm looking for funny stuff this time around. :)www.fertilegroundzine.com

Where'd you go? I want to read the final draft! Don't deprive me of such good sci-fi!

Wasted on the Young

"Grey hair?"

"It happens," Mary’s hand went to her hair.

"Guess so," giggled Leah, twirling her own with her left forefinger. "Wouldn’t know about that."

Tears rolled down the creases at the edges of Mary’s eyes. Once upon a time, Leah had been the older sister, not anymore. Mary was uncomfortable as the age difference became more noticeable. Not just the grey hairs and wrinkles, but also the creaks and stiffness of life which had settled in with Mary.

Leah was untouched by the years. Leah was still 16 while Mary, who once upon a time had been six years younger than Leah, was almost 60 years old.

"Wasn’t Gillian expecting a baby?" Leah pretended not to see her sister's tears.

"Oh, yes," Mary pulled a photo from her bag. "Finally a little boy, Robert."

Leah looked at her niece sat holding a chubby baby boy. Two little girls, with ribbons in their hair, stood on either side. A lump caught in Leah’s throat. They looked so cute and cuddly. She’d never held a newborn close to her in those precious seconds after birth. She twirled her hair around, tighter. Maybe next year...

"Do you have any of Eva?"

"Eva?" She handed a snap shot of a woman with short-cropped white hair, laughing at a dinner party to her sister. "Oh, I forgot. She died last fall."

"How?" Leah fought back tears of her own now.

"Peacefully in her sleep."

"No. Why?"

"Eva was 66." Mary fidgeted with her glass of lemonade, "And not doing well."

"I’m sorry."

Mary realized that their cousin, Eva, had been the same age as Leah would've been if she hadn’t come In on her first sixteenth birthday. Every year on this date for half a century, they’d celebrated Leah’s sixteenth birthday. In the beginning the whole family came. Their parents had died long ago. Gillian had only come a few times before her early teens. It had been confusing for her as a child. Now Mary was the only one.

Time on the Outside passes and many of the residents were left alone. Their families stopped visiting, or died. When Mary stopped coming, or died, Leah would be alone. Alone, but sixteen with her life still ahead of her.

"Tell me something. Anything."

"Do you ever really consider all of this?"

"Being In?" Her hand went up to her hair.

"Yes, being In."

"This isn’t you telling me something." Leah shuffled the pictures around on the table. "Do you have any more?"

"Do you think about coming Outside?"

"Why do you ask that? I’m here. I’m happy."

"Are you, Leah? Was it a good deal?"

"Can we talk about something else?" Leah finished her lemonade.

"There isn’t anything else. I’ve given you all the updates; births and deaths. All that’s left is you."

"I don’t have anything to report."

"Exactly. You don’t have anything. When you leave the Outside, you leave behind all that leaves you behind."

"Maybe you should go..." Her left forefinger found her hair again.

"And what? Come back next year? Isn’t it just another blink of your eye, in which another year’s lived by everyone else?"

"Enough. Why do you come, to upset me?"

"Why did you come here? It only upsets me."

"What’s Gillian’s younger daughter’s name?" Leah held up the photo. "Susan’s the oldest, and who’s the other?"

"Stop with the damn pictures." Mary reached to take them.

"No! Don’t!"

Standing up, tears in her eyes, Leah clutched them close. Few people looked over, most had seen something like this before. Even Leah and Mary had witnessed similar incidents.

"Please, sit down," Mary said tenderly. "I’m sorry."

"Don’t take them away," whispered Leah.

"Okay. They’re yours." Mary patted her sister’s soft, smooth hand with her own old, callused one.

"They’re all I have," Leah traced the smile of the older girl in the photo with her finger, "all I have."

"Come Out."

Conversations paused. With those words Mary had changed the atmosphere of the Inside.

"You shouldn’t ask that," Leah said loudly, looking to make sure everyone heard her.

They all turned back to their own guests. The birthday party would be over soon. Then the residents would go back to their rooms for Stasis Sleep for another year. At some of the tables sixteen-year-olds sat alone, still waiting, wondering if anyone would show up before the party was over. A handful of the ones without visitors were quietly crying, some had moved to sit with each other, discussing their situation. Very few, if any at all, would make the choice to leave. Not this year, maybe next. Just one more year of holding back time, of staying young and beautiful.

"I do think about it. I think about babies, weddings, friends, but also about getting sick like Eva, or being widowed like you. On the Outside bodies get used and tired. I see your hair going dull and your skin getting loose," she gingerly touched her little sister’s face. "I'm still young and firm. I can't get sick. This is safe. I know how it’ll always be. My beauty will never fade. I’ll never be hurt by anyone. Why leave this?"

"You’ll never be loved by anyone."

"Then I can’t have my heart broken."

"But it already is. Isn’t it?" Mary nodded at the pictures.

"What do you mean?"

"Only seeing them, not holding them, not being them, it breaks your heart. As much as I love you, I talked my child out of going Inside. And I’ll talk all of my grandchildren out of it, too."

"I understand."

"Do you really want to stay here?"

"I don’t know. I think about going Out, I do." Leah lowered her voice and leaned closer. "Today I wished these children were mine, that I'd experienced being a mother. And it’s really weird to see my niece getting older than me."

"How do you think it is for me? And now, if you do come with me, well, I could only hope to live to see your children."

"I’m afraid."

"There’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone’s afraid of something."

"I don’t want to die. Why should I when I don’t have to?"
"How long do you think you can stay sixteen?"
"Forever. That’s the deal." She picked up both glasses.

"Again I ask, was it a good one?"

"What do you want me to say? That coming Inside is wrong and I regret it?" Leah’s voice started to rise. "That I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life by not having one?"

"I only want you to be honest with yourself, with me. It’s not too late."

"Isn’t it in some way? Isn’t it?" Leah got up again. "I’ll get you another drink."

At the next table a girl sat with an older couple, possibly her parents, but not necessarily. Nothing about the Inside was what it seemed. Mary looked like Leah’s mother. Any older person sitting with any of these teens was not what they appeared, just as Mary had no idea how old these "teenagers" really were.

The Inside had been part of life before Mary and Leah’s parents had been born. It would be around as long as there were sixteen-year-olds willing to stay young forever. And why not? It's tempting to watch the world grow old while you don’t.

Leah came back with two lemonades. Smiling, she placed them on the table before sitting.

"I would like to go Outside with you, some time."

"Why not today?"

"Maybe next year..." she glanced around the room for anything, anyone familiar other than her sister.

"Maybe I should go." Mary pushed her chair back.

"Please, don’t."

"What’s the point of my staying any longer today?"

"Our time isn’t up."

"Mine could be before next year."

"Don’t talk like that. You’re not going anywhere."

"Neither are you."

"What do you want from me?"
"What do you want from yourself, from your life? Just to stay young forever? To live forgotten, unloved, untouched by others?"

"No, I want more," Leah started crying into her hands. "I’m too scared."

"Listen to yourself. You’re too scared to live. This is the last time I can offer to help."

"Why are you saying that?" Leah wiped her face with her sleeve.
"Eva died of breast cancer." Mary looked directly at Leah. "I was diagnosed two months ago. My hair may be greying, but at least it’s still here. Next year it might not be. Next year, I might not be here."

"Is this why you want me Outside? To watch you die?"
"Would you rather I die in your Sleep?" Mary spoke harshly.

"I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to sound selfish."

"Well, you are. I want you Outside to actually spend some of our lives together, like when we were both younger. I was a little girl when you left. I’ve missed you."
"You were my shadow," Leah whispered, "always following me."

"But I left you behind. Now you’re something of my shadow," Mary sipped her lemonade. "I need to leave soon. Don’t let me leave alone."

Leah gulped her own quickly. Nervously she scanned the room. Three attendants stood at the dining room doorway. Guests were hugging their Inside relatives. The birthday party was over for another year. Many people were crying. Some guests were already going back Outside. The residents whose guest had not shown were talking a bit loudly with an attendant.

Mary held the door. The fingers of her left hand twisting her hair into crazy knots, Leah clung to Mary and took her first steps back into life.

Okay...I really liked your story. You have an excellent ear for dialogue. The little touches were very effective...like the hair twisting, etc.

Here are some comments and suggestions. Take 'em or leave 'em.

1) I'm going to have to disagree a bit with Lone Star. Keep in mind though, I am not usually real big on science fiction. However, I think you should make it clear right off the bat what the situation is. BUT I think you should pick less obvious names for the "statis sleep" and "In" or "Out". Those could be slang words introduced later...but I think picking more technical sounding, scientif-y lingo would create mystery but still orient the reader. I must admit that I was lost at first and for me, as a reader, that is a turn-off.

2) I think you could add more pauses and silences in the conversation between the sisters. It is a pretty heavy conversation and it seems natural to have a few more of these. Maybe also some more non-dialogue writing between the dialogue...like describe the pictures and scene in a bit more detail. What do the guards look like? Hostile? Pleasant? What is the facility like? Calm and clean? Elite? Dirty? Cold? Create some atmosphere.

3) In the paragraph that starts with "They all turned to their own.."...I'd strike the last line of that paragraph. I think you are telling too much.

4) This is a very short and it begs for more. The ending comes too fast for me. Maybe you can weave some meaningful childhood stories into the plot to reinforce the themes you already have here. Like have one the characters recall a childhood experience that seems to reflect something about the conversation they are having...maybe when they are talking about being one another's shadow...perhaps you could relate a little mini-story about that into the larger story.

Anyway, I hope you dont' mind the workshop-like comments. I really admire your ability to create character and I don't want you to think that I didn't like the story. It is fantastic. My comments are just little things that you can do or do without.

Happy writing!!

"The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder."---Virginia Woolf (1882-1941)`

Well, I REALLY like it. I'm a big science fiction fan. Do you want any input?

please...my writers' group are all really new to writing so anything i bring they are all "ooh" and "i wish i could write like that", instead of being able to give any input....mostly

Wait, now I see where you said you want input. Okay. It's a great idea, a great story and I really like your voice and the feel of it, too. Only thing I would change is that I think it unfolds a little bit too predictably. The fact that "In' means stasis sleep gets told too early. I think you need to add some mystery and not let people be totally clear why she's not aging and what "In" is until closer to the end. I know you were focusing more on the relationship, which is a lot of what makes it such a great story, but I think it needs the suspense, too. If this is the sort of stuff you write, I just can't wait to read more!!!! Welcome, Mama!

i like what you say...let me look at that.

yeah i want to focus more on the selfishness & how their realtionship has become nothing more than strangers talking about other strangers and that....

We want to see the final product!